What's really going on in my head.

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I wonder what they say about me behind my back. I try to keep to myself and not open up mainly because I hear everything. I hear all the whispering that goes on, and all the mean looks. Girls are so judgmental. I put on a way bigger face than I’ll ever have. I try to intimidate people because I don’t want them to get to know me. They’ll just end up making fun of me behind my back. And that’s hurtful. So why not prevent it if I can. They are so nice to everyone, but the second that person isn’t there, they just sit and talk about them and how everything is wrong with them. It’s not right.

I find myself getting caught up in it, and I want to kick myself. I need to remember to just keep my mouth shut. It shouldn’t be that hard, I’ve done it my whole life. I don’t need to be accepted by these girls. They will just turn on me eventually.

Whispering… I absolutely hate it. If you have to whisper to talk about something, you shouldn’t be talking about it there. Wait and talk about it later. It just makes the other people around you think you’re talking about them. It lowers everyone’s self-esteem. So just stop. And half the stuff you’re whispering about, I can probably hear. Or it wouldn’t hurt me if I did hear the whole thing.

Don’t judge people for things that you also do. So many hypocrites out there it’s disgusting.

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Best Friend

So I saw my best friend today. It was really good. Some days I feel like she is slipping away from me, and I find myself hating her roommate at college. This is wrong of me, of course, but that’s just me. I am a very jealous person and that can’t really be changed. I have tried. Believe me, I have tried. But how does some one just stop being jealous? It’s not that simple. You would think that having a boyfriend who never stops loving me would make me not a jealous person. He is always telling me how wonderful and beautiful I am. Never bashing me or putting me down in any way possible. But it’s in my brain. It’s etched way into my system that I’m not good enough. That all those girls out there so much better than me. And now I’m laughing because this post got so off topic in a matter of seconds. This isn’t what I wanted to even talk about.

Start over. I saw my best friend today. And I forgot how much I miss her. It’s so easy to just say ‘oh, I’ll hang out with her tomorrow, I really don’t feel like it today’. I need to push myself to do things with people. If I would lose my best friend, I would literally have no one. And I don’t want to live the rest of my life like that. I have lost way too many friends because I just didn’t care. I need to make that a goal, to just see her more, talk to her more, show her that I literally do think of her everyday because she means so much to me.

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Am I really that good at masking what I’m feeling? How does no body know.

I’m so alone.

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Kiss me.

I just want you to touch me so gently, you’re afraid I’m going to break.

When deep inside, I’m breaking because it’s the most precious view of love ever.

I want you to kiss me like it’s the last time you’ll get to kiss me.

So slowly, you think you’re slowing down time.

When really time is beating faster just like my heart.

I want you to kiss down my cheek, my jaw, my neck, my collar bone.

Just let me dissolve into the moment.